Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays

You know the story about Mondays sucking, right?  It's the hardest day of the week, yadda yadda.  My son looked at me forlornly yester-Monday morning and said, "I'm just not ready for the weekend to be over." None of us are, babe.  None of us are.

That said, my Monday was uneventful.  I drank too much coffee, listened to the rain, swam down the rabbit hole of online photo editing, but reemerged and remembered to get my kids from school.  On time, thank you.

Then all hell broke loose.

I think many parents can relate to the phenomenon of hitting the door once you arrive home with the kids after school and putting out a few fires.  There's always the requisite, "I'm hungry!" and everyone's favorite, "Can you get me a drink?"  But I was not prepared for the level of crazy my kids plotted for me yesterday.

boy child: "I'm hungry."
me: "Sorry, we're having dinner early tonight."
boy child: "Can I have a drink?"
me: "Yes, give me a minute."
girl child:  "Can I have a drink, too?"
me:  "Yes, just let me get the papers out of your backpack."
boy child:  "Can I have a drink?"
girl child: "Oh, Mommy, here is the field trip permission slip.  I need $3 and you have to sign it."
boy child: "Can I have a drink?"
me to girl child: "Why don't you start practicing the piano?  You can start on the scales."
girl child: "I need your help."
boy child: "Can I have a drink?"
me: "Just try, I'll be there in a minute."
boy child: "Can I have a drink?"
me to boy child: "Only if you ask me 513 more times and say it more whiney.  Oh, here's your homework."
boy child: "I need your help."
me: "Okay, but I need to help your sister."  to girl child: "Why aren't you playing your scale?"
girl child: "I need your help."
boy child: "Put some Miralax in the drink.  I'm having trouble pooping."
boy child walks stiffly to bathroom.
me to girl child: "Please start on your scale.  I need to see if your brother is okay."
boy child cries from bathroom: "I can't do it."
me: "Here's your drink with Miralax.  Do you want to drink it here or get off the potty?"
boy child: "Drink it here." *(I know, gross.)
girl child (growing in distress): "I need your help."
me: "Just try."
girl child tries, misses many notes.
me: "You need some sharps or flats in there.  Look at the notes."
girl child, now crying: "I need your help."
boy child, now crying: "I can't do it."
me, to girl child: "Try it hands apart, slowly.  Watch me play it.  Look at my hands.  Now you try."
girl child, now in full-on tantrum: "But I need your help."
me: "I just helped you.  Now you have to put your fingers on the piano and try it yourself."
boy child, from bathroom: "I can't do it."
me: "Okay, then get off the pot and try later."
boy child: "Can you help me with my homework?"
me: "I have to get working on dinner.  We need to eat early tonight."
girl child, still sobbing.
boy child, leaves for the bathroom again.
I look at clock.  We're going to be late for puppy class if my husband doesn't get home soon.
Call husband, force back throbbing head, ignore sobbing/thrashing girl child and whimpering boy child on potty.
me, to husband: "Do you think you'll be home soon?"
husband: "Just leaving now."
me, smelling something foul: "Oh for fuck's sake!"  to the puppy: "Did you just poop on the floor?!"
husband: "Or maybe on second thought I'll stay put."
me: "Please come home.  I'll explain later."

Well, you get the picture.  And if you don't, here's a visual.

My daughter finally calmed down and abandoned the piano.  My son never pooped because he's a terrible eater.  I cleaned up puppy poop and went to puppy class where said puppy was TERRIBLE.

The day ended with me catching up on Downton Abbey and being thoroughly wrecked with despair.

How did your day go?