Saturday, February 23, 2013

Dress me up (like a), baby

Whenever I shop at Target I get distracted.  This is not the ADD working.  This is the evil Sith Lord that is the Target Corporation.  I don't think it matters if you have crushing ADHD and are popping Ritalin like Chicklets or if you're a steady-headed, personal organizer to Martha Stewart, Target is gonna eat you up and suck the very marrow from your bones.  Dare you to walk in for a new mop head and walk out with only a new mop head.  Consider the gauntlet thrown, dear readers!  (If, by the way, you take me up on this challenge, I will require a proof of purchase and cash register receipt with your credit card info x-ed out.  What will you win, you ask?  Well, I do have this terrier that looks like Sam Elliot.)

As I was shopping for large quantities of bottled water for my daughter's rescheduled party (yes, I'm aware that bottled water is evil.  Not Dark Side evil, but pretty close.  I'm sure this won't be the final straw in failing my Jedi training.), when I decided to look for underwear and pajamas and rain gear for the kids.  Say what you will about big box stores - and I've railed against Walmart (sorry, sweet niece if you're reading) - but I'm a sucker for Target's kid clothes. 

The following is what happened:

  • I trolled the aisles of the girls section for pajamas.  I didn't find anything springy or cheap enough (because I'm a skinflint, people), but I did hold up a pair of XL fleece pants and considered buying them for myself.  They were too big.
  • I wandered into the little kids section even though technically my kids are too big/old/mature for these clothes.  Here, I found the perfect summer beach dress for my daughter, who at 9 can still wear a size 5 because she is my reincarnated mother (who only weighed over 100 when she got pregnant).  Then, I noticed how many dresses I adored in the little kids section and even muttered to myself, 'That.  Is.  So.  Cute.'  At which point, nervous parents scooted away from me and held their babies closer.  Mind you, I wasn't looking objectively at these garments for my own kids.  I wasn't hypothesizing that these outfits would look mah-velous on that baby my husband wants me to have that is never going to happen.  I was looking at them with this going on in my head:  'Hey.  That would look awesome on me!'
Here's what I'm talking about, lest you think I actually was sane:

You know I could work this.

I like to draw shit.

Totally adorable for a middle-aged mom.

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

I like to wear cliches on my sleeve, or chest.
So, maybe you don't think that's too crazy.  You are a dear.  Thank you.

Then I saw this.

Damn, baby, who's taking YOU to the Oscars?
That is a dress for an infant.  And I want it.  If a baby can show off her chunky upper arms, why can't I?

This became a sobering moment for me.  I realized that a.) I don't often buy new clothing for myself and that b.) I want to dress like a toddler.  When my husband took his current job as a college administrator, my first thought was damn, I do not dress like a dean's wife.  I cannot attend cocktail parties with the other spouses.  You're going stag, dear.  Now, my husband wears his red Chucks to work with a blazer and a sweater, so he also dresses like a toddler.

Once I realized that my fashion sense stopped at Garanimals, I left the Target baby section, checked out and bought myself a Tall Mocha at the Starbucks counter to feel just slightly more like an adult.

It didn't work.


28 comments:

  1. Ok, you and I are going shopping next time I'm in town. And not at Target. And not in the infant aisle. I don't think you fully realize just how stunning you are...

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  2. Amy, we don't live near a Target so when we get to one, I go into a stuff-greed mode. I look at all the pretty pillows, dishes, clothing, books, electronics and lust for all kinds of things I never even knew I wanted or needed!

    By the way, my husband is a college administrator too. I used to be one then gave it up for the life of writing, which means sweats, hair maybe washed and in a pony tail. Sigh, I used to dress so professionally too. Now I get to be the eccentric administrator's wife LOL.

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    1. We should Skype a meeting sometime and compare stains on our sweatshirts!

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  3. I have the opposit problem. I always want to dress my little girl in grown-up styles. Not slutty or Hannah Montana- just sophisticated, like shift dresses and tights.

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    1. Nothing wrong with showing your daughter how to dress sophisticated. I just never learned.

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  4. i hate to buy clothes. i have 7 black long sleeve t-shirts and 7 long sleeves white t-shirts. i have 4 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of shoes. i should have been in the army.

    my husband is a coat whore. he's like an old woman who needs a special coat for each specific weather phenomenon.

    you go ahead and dress like a baby. you're a grown ass professional woman.
    ps busy weekend. 4-h public speaking competition for 14 year old (she won) and more kids

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    1. I actually dress pretty much like my mom: long sleeved t-shirt, jeans, sensible shoes, maybe a cardigan. Yawn. I've never owned a pair of sexy heels, nor would I know what to do with them.

      You live on a ranch, Bev. Your wardrobe is practical. I support it. I also support your husband's whorish behavior. I bet it's his only flaw.

      Congrats on the 4-H win! You must be proud. How are those babies doing? I've been concerned about them.

      PS Kate and I talked about you. We are your biggest fans.

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    2. when and where did all this talking happen.

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    3. Ms. Kate came to Louisville for the weekend. We ate sushi, saw a friend deliver a paper, ate ice cream (which was a terrible idea), and laughed a lot. We told our friend all about how awesome you are. And you are.

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    4. thank you so much you sweet thing. i have had the flu but i think its safe to kiss you now xxxx

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    5. Dude, I'm struggling with my bi-annual sinus smackdown. I'm sorry you've been sick. Can't wait to read your post today!!

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  5. I bought a swim-suit cover-up from the kids section. Their clothes are really adorable. No judgment, sister. Next time you want to feel like an adult, order a double dirty Americano. (coffee with 2 shots of espresso added). There's nothing quite like feeling your heartbeat in your ears for making you feel all growns up.

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  6. I have lost so much time at Target over the years :) It draws me in with the clearance sections! I saw your post on bloggy moms and following you on GFC now. You can find me at

    http://wvfrugal-wvsaver.blogspot.com

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    1. So glad you stopped by. Will be checking out your blog in the morning!

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  7. That last one was so incredibly adorable. I totally get what you're saying. I look at the cute clothes in the little girls section but I know it won't fit and it doesn't make me feel bad.

    I could literally spend HOURS in the Target store....especially when they put the "outdoor" stuff out. I have a teeny tiny patio that none of the stuff would fit on but a girl could dream.

    Great post!!

    Penny at Green Moms and Kids
    http://greenmomsandkids.wordpress.com

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    1. Hi Penny,

      Thanks for dropping by and for commiserating on the evil lure of Target. Can't wait to read your blog.

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  8. Target boy's section. (Don't judge me.) They have the flippin' COOLEST skull-covered, skate-rat gear! And Super hero covered stuff? I dare you to find something as awesome in the adult area!
    Sadly, even though I could probably sport a boy's XL like I was a teenage Christina Agulera, I'm addicted to wearing Men's 3XL so I'm still screwed. *sigh*

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    1. I just admitted that I want to wear infant clothes, Chris. I'm in no position to judge. In the mean time, I dress my kids the way I'd prefer to dress, and yes, that includes skull-covered skate-rat gear and superhero t-shirts. (I agree, it's too fun.)

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  9. Target to me is like Toys R'Us is to the kiddos. Our Target is 30 miles away and if I've got the opportunity to go, you know I've cleared the whole day out for it!

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    1. True story: Target is the first place I ventured alone after I had my first child.

      Thanks for coming to my blog. We have much to share.

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  10. Wow.. this was such a fun read and you are truly a gifted writer. make me want to love shopping even more (As if I don't love it already to bits lol)

    Found you at bloggy moms and following you now. Please visit me at my places here

    http://momlessmom.com/

    http://www.facebook.com/momlessmom

    https://twitter.com/LuckyMomofKK

    http://pinterest.com/momlessmom/
    Thank you. love to connect.

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    1. Thank you so much! That means a lot to me. I'm heading your way right now.

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  11. Amy, I don't know if you've seen the latest Target (as I type this, I'm pronouncing it in my head Tarja, hard J and A, a la francais) ads for grownups, but it looks like someone there is channeling J.Crew at a discount. Who knows what'll show up in the infant and childrens sections??!! I feel a Target date in our future ... FYI, I bought a black dress on clearance last summer and wore it all the time, like I'm talking 3 times a week. It was maybe $10. Gotta love it, and love your blog. :)

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    1. Is this the Melissa I had lunch with last week?!! Thanks for finding me!

      You need to text me when you find a steal like that. And, btw, my outfit today is brought to you courtesy of Target (French pronunciation, of course): sweater, pants, socks and coat. Shirt by Eddie Bauer.

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  12. Lol, funny post...I like the Sith reference:) Neat blog:)

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