Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The ADDled Holiday Shopping Edition - Oy, Not the Hanukkah Essentials

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but Hanukkah comes early this year.  You know, Hanukkah.  What some people wrongly deem the Jewish Christmas.  For one reason, we don't have a set date for our holidays because Jews still use the lunar calendar to determine the dates for the next year.  Then there's also the whole we don't have Jesus thing.

This year Hanukkah arrives the evening before Thanksgiving.

Thanks lunar calendar.

Do you know what this means for the stereotypical Jewish bargain hunter?  You got it, Hanukka will begin BEFORE Black Friday.  This is grim news for the GNP.

Knowing full well that I need to collect my gift items earlier this year -- we celebrate our own interpretations of Hanukkah and Christmas -- I've been stashing little things as I find them in the bargain bins at Target or, and I've been doing way too much of this, I've been pinning the hell out of ideas on Pinterest.  I have a board full of gift ideas for the kids.

So, imagine my delight when I browsed my inbox this morning and found a link for "Oy to the World! Stock up On Hanukkah Essentials" on Fab.com.  "Great," I thought, "I need some Hanukkah Essentials."

Apparently, the rest of the world thinks we want this.

I'm pretty sure that store sites that are targeting Christmas shoppers are not trying to sell them Christmas trees.  You either have a plastic one in the attic that you bring down every year or you go to the Christmas Tree lot to buy one.  Same goes for Jews with Hanukkah.  We either have a menorah, or we go to the local shul to buy one.  I definitely do NOT want a neon menorah for a gift.

Another Hannukkah "Essential" is this:

Apparently, this is what we do on Hanukka
Okay, maybe she dyed her hair,
but that dude is NOT Jewish

Nothing like an ironic sweater featuring snowmen as Hassidic rabbis to say, "Happy Hanukkah, jerkwad."

And here's another one to keep the kiddos happy:

"I know you don't get a Christmas tree, honey,
but here are some anthropomorphized dreidel lights to dry your tears."

Okay, maybe I'm not being fair.  Sure, we need to ready ourselves for the holidays and may need to purchase a few decorative items ahead of time.  Sure, we like to decorate just as much (well, maybe not just as much) as any Christmas-celebrating household, and maybe you do buy your favorite uncle an ornament every year because you don't know what to get him.  Or an ironic Christmas sweater for your niece to wear to the coffee shop where she is a barista.  I'm not really sure what your holiday shopping and gift-giving habits are.

But I'm going to let Fab and other retailers who don't know how to market to their Jewish customers in on a little secret:

Jews like the same crap you do as gifts!

Know what my kids want for Hanukkah?  The same things your kids want for Christmas!  Toys and zebra-print clothing.

My guess is that Fab would do better business with their Jewish clientele if under "Hanukkah Essentials" they would offer the following:
  • Anything made by Coach
  • Fancy iPhone 5 cases
  • Chocolate (not the cheap gelt you get at shul, but the good stuff - Belgian, Swiss, Godiva, Ghiradelli, etc.)
  • A new hybrid vehicle
  • Stock in AT&T, Netflix or Apple
  • Plane tickets to Cancun
  • Anything from Tiffany's

I know, those were terrible stereotypical Jewish American Princess gifts.  I'm probably out of date with some of them because I've never been a JAP.  I've always been nerdy and staunchly middle class.

Fab, if you were marketing to this Jewish American Nerd-girl, I'd recommend you offer some of the following:
  • An Otterbox for the iPhone 5 (because I'm clumsy and will drop my phone in the toilet.  Again.)
  • Any t-shirt from Threadless, especially ones with typewriters or literary allusions. (I like this one, in case you're curious.)
  • Chocolate from my favorite local chocolatier, Dundee Candy Store
  • A gift certificate to the Subaru dealer to get my 07 Forester an oil change, body work, tune up, allignment
  • I would also take a gift card to get the car interior shampooed or exorcised
  • Movie passes
  • Anything vintage-inspired from Mod Cloth
  • Stock in Keen, Merrell, or Ben and Jerry's

Happy holiday shopping even though it's Halloween week.  The season has begun whether you like it or not!

(All images are from Fab.com.  I am simply lampooning them, not stealing them.  There are no link backs.)